New Year Solutions

The new year is at our door knocking for entry. What is it trying to drop off on our front steps? Maybe its time to peek first and be selective about what you're opening your door to accept into the new year. I propose the ideal of creating a solution for your pending issues rather than just creating your regular laundry list of unattainable resolutions.

Solution, noun: Something that is used or done to deal with and end a problem : something that solves a problem.

Everyone says resolution this and resolution that. However, the new year doesn't mean that everything we've dealt with in the past year will be washed away so easily. Some of us need a Finance Solution, Esteem Solution, Emotional Solution, or Love Solution. I know Miss Scarlet usually only speaks on the Love Solution aspect but the following tips can be used for all solutions we seek. No matter what area you find yourself challenged in you can resolve it with simple steps.

1. Identify It. Before you can fix anything you need to figure out the source of the distress. Please be open to see this for what it really is and don't be biased in the identification process.

2. Draft a realistic plan for change. Don't think you can go from 0 to 60 with everything. Key word here is "realistic". Plan also means steps to take toward the change you desire. Some steps may leave you out of breath but catch your wind and keep on climbing.

3. Gather a support network. As strong as you are you can't do everything alone! Look to those who you see rising above your similar circumstances. Just remember someone who is miserable cannot lift you or offer good support. Be discerning with the members of your network.

4. Time for some ACTION! Don't waste time taking the steps toward your change once you've devised your plan. Procrastination can be a dangerous thing once it sets in and can stifle your progress.

5. Stay Positive. There will be days when you want to quit and feel like forces are working against you. Well guess what? They are! And this is why you have to work twice as hard to stay positive. Write your goals and post them where you can see them daily. Rid yourself of contact with naysayers, kill joys, and Debbie Downers (sorry all my Debbies...nothing personal. I love you ladies too)

I wouldn't be Miss Scarlet if I didn't ask you if one of your hang-ups in 2013 was one of the following.

Are you still seeing that married man?

Are you still unfaithful to your spouse?

Are you still afraid of commitment?

Are you still seeking another person to validate you?

Please evaluate each situation carefully. I can't tell you what to do without knowing the specifics of each case. However, I can tell you that you can use the same steps I've listed above to help you get your breakthrough. I know some of it doesn't sound easy but no solution drops in your lap. Also, don't be afraid to talk to someone about how you feel and seek counsel for steps toward your solutions. Don't fall into the stereotype that if you do this you're crazy or weak minded. Everyone needs help sometimes.

I wish everyone positive and effective solutions for whatever you need to leave in the past year. Whether its intimacy coaching to get your love life together, developing a plan for professional change, purging your personal space, or getting things off your chest you can do it. I'm here to help as a Professional Organizer if you need assistance!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! We'll talk again soon.

MULTIPLES

Get your mind out the gutter! I'm speaking of multiple loves. Can a woman love two men at the same time? I know we say a man can't truly handle more than one woman but is the same true for us women? Let's think about this thing. Forget emotions for a minute and let's just examine the physical advantage a woman has to juggle two men. First of all the average man's sexual comeback is on a time delay. He cannot make love to one woman extensively and then turn around and go service a second without a few hours in between. And if he can do that he's actually quite the anomaly (later subject matter for further discussion). To continue to do this on a regular basis however, would leave him worn out, mess up his back, and confuse his mind.

A woman on the other hand can make love to a man, jump up and down, stand on her head and then Swish & Flow! Yep I'm tellin' it...Swish the cooch and Flow on to the next! I didn't say it was right but it's highly more probable for a woman to leave one man and go on to the next faster than a man can do the same.

Let's talk finances. The average working class man cannot actually afford to maintain two real women. Between helping her out with bills, dating expenses, holidays, birthday, and a few extras on top of maintaining his own living expenses it would be damn near impossible for him to juggle the needs of two women. Please don't think I'm talking about jump offs who only see the man when he's feeling some type of way and don't demand any maintenance. Sometimes that's cool but I'm talking about the women who require quality. If this isn't you keep reading my blogs and I assure you will acquire the taste for quality male interaction. This love of multiples is for the people who are truly involved and established with two men and spend time split between them who are torn by true intimate feelings for both.  

The mention of intimacy brings us to that other key thing, emotion. H-Town said it best "Emotions make you cry sometimes. Make you fall in love". If you have two great men that are meeting your needs on different levels what do you do? Do you hold a contest to see whose better?  They're both bringing something wonderful into your existence. Both are complimentary to your personality and make you happy. I really don't have the answer for this dilemma. All I know is most people, especially men, cannot accept the fact that someone they love shares themselves with another human being. A man can't even fathom their woman being touched by another man, even when he himself may be engaged in something outside of the relationship.

I just wanted to shed light on this issue because it's real and I hear a lot of women experiencing it lately. There are so many good specimens of man out there and it can be hard to choose just one to ride it out with forever. If you love two men I know you don't want to betray either of them. While it may be physically easier for women to do the juggling it is not just as easy emotionally. Each case will be different and should be dealt with accordingly. I'm not here to tell you what to do or judge your choices. Just keep in mind there's probably some underlying issue that's keeping you from being completely with one man versus the other. If you're splitting yourself sit and really think about why you haven't settled with either. Put your self value on the table while you ponder that issue and I'm sure you'll find the answer. Let me know if you need help sorting it all out.

'Til next time Swish & Flow!  Thanks for reading.

TODAY'S THOUGHT...No pain no gain??

LOVE UNTIL IT HURTS...OUCH! I know this is a cliche that some people use but do you really want love until it brings you some sort of pain? The pain can be physical like getting your ass beat. It can be emotional pain that causes you to be physically ill from stress and anxiety. Sometimes the nature of the situation can also cause pain. Are you involved with something that continues to stifle you or something you know is forbidden? Why is your "LOVE" diminishing your ability to function in a healthy manner? The good stuff should be freeing and refreshing to your psyche. It should make you feel both supported and regenerated. It should not be exhausting and feel burdensome. The next time you hear someone say "love so good it hurts" just think about the point I'm trying to relay. The thought of your lover should bring a smile and not a scowl. I don't know about you but I don't want to feel hurt from the person I'm loving. I want to to love until I'm hysterical from joyous laughter! Just today's thought.

PREREQUISITES

  Believe it or not while watching the 1979 Jack Frost animated cartoon I was hit in the head with some knowledge. If you're not familiar with this story here's the jest. Jack Frost begs Father Winter to make him human so he can be with the woman who stole his heart. As he's whining about how much he wants to be with her Father Winter basically says, "Slow your roll playa! You ain't got nothing to offer her. First you need to get your shit together". Well that was my interpretation anyway. Father Time instructs Jack to first secure A House, A Horse, A Bag of Gold, and then a Wife.

This cartoon had me at a loss of words as I continued to watch Jack try and get his life together in order of importance working toward his goal. He encountered all types of obstacles but he persevered. I watched this and I thought if Father Time knew this in 1979 why didn't he pass the knowledge down to men through the ages. Should we women not expect a man to come correct in the same manner as this fairytale character? I am compelled to reach out to you via this blog and beg you to not allow anyone seeking your time and attention to fall short of anything less than these same simple yet key achievements. Let's discuss these prerequisites PLEASE!

Prerequisite (noun): Something that you must officially have or do before you can have or do something else.

#1 A House: Believe it or not a man should have a home secured for his woman. I know we women are now caught up in being so equal that we forget about the man being the head of the family and we want in on half of everything. Oops did I say that. Yes I did! There's nothing wrong with half but make sure you're getting half of something good. If he's already got it go with it and turn it lovingly from his to ours. This prerequisite doesn't even have to mean home ownership. In the simplest form it means he should have a safe place to live that he maintains on his own. It shows he is responsible and has the ability to take care of himself and impressively pay monthly bills. This is the type of man you want to build with toward the "ours". Remember lots of things go along with a single man who lives away from his mommy. This means he can minimally feed himself, clean up after himself, and do laundry. Not a big deal to you? You're a liar!

#2 A Horse: Yes historically a man who had a horse proved to be secure and had reached a certain level of status. Modern times would be a means of reliable transportation that he owns himself. Yep I'm gonna say it! If you're driving he should be driving too!!! Why isn't he driving? Does he have a "situation" that hinders him from obtaining a legal drivers license in the state where you reside. FLAG ON THE PLAY I'm not saying he may not be working on getting a vehicle but how old is he and how long has he been working on this project? Please ladies...please...don't be deceived by that short game. Any man over thirty should be somewhat established somewhere. Unless he's just awoken from a coma after being hit in the head by a flying saucer leave him where you found him. God made so many delicious specimens in all shades, races, sizes, and flavors. Try them all....WOO!

#3 A Bag of Gold: This pretty much speaks for itself. In today's terms this could mean a secure job and even better a financial portfolio. Yes ladies there are men who really think about securing pensions and things to bring to the table for sharing with a partner going forward in life. Show me a man who has a bag of gold and I'll show you a good woman who knows enough to nurture him and support him. People may think this is a gold digging statement but I love a man with a pension. I say this because it exemplifies the fact he has maintained profitable employment for a number of years and has a plan for his future. If he plans for himself he will certainly plan for you. PENSION = STABILITY, LONGEVITY & RESPONSIBILITY.

#4. A Wife a.k.a. The Prize: You are a prize and you better know it! If you want to become a wife present yourself in a manner to do so. A good wife is a rock to her husband. She knows when to speak and she knows when to listen. She knows what battles to fight and she knows when to let a man be a man. It's not an easy title by far. I know this! However, if you get a good man who likens himself to Jack Frost and has his prerequisites at least 75% complete you can make that man a good husband by being a good wife. A good wife starts off as a good girlfriend. And the key is to stay that way! Don't change up and fall off your game once you have him hooked. Stay attentive! Stay fabulous! Stay INTERESTED! If he plays golf....play golf! If he watches football....watch football! It won't kill you to be interested in what interests him. This blog is for the ladies but don't expect from him what you wouldn't give of yourself.

My main point today is that we should expect a man to come at us with the correct intentions. A woman should not be afraid of being labeled picky because she won't waste her time with someone who doesn't live up to her minimal expectations. Job check! Housing check! Transportation check! Goals check! For pete's sake these are not even the extras in life. These are bare necessities that every grown ass man should already have established. Allow yourself to be courted and don't be afraid to put your prerequisites out there in the open. Generous check! Affectionate check! Courteous check! If the man you're dealing with can't even pay for dinner or pay you a simple compliment you may want to just stop...period. Contrary to what some may say these small things are important and play a part in how a man will treat you in the future. Think about that.

You can't turn a duck into a swan, a lamb into a lion, or put a leash on a wild dog. You can however meet a reasonable man with initiative somewhere in the middle.

'Til next time thanks for reading!

TODAY'S THOUGHT...To gift or not to gift

Are you contemplating whether to buy your new friend a Christmas gift? It’s okay to gift to a person who you’re connecting with on an emotional or intimate level.

Small tokens are expressions of thoughtfulness for some people. For the record I am one of those people. If you’re in the store and you see something the person you share most of your time with may enjoy you should feel free to get it for them. No doubt people like to be told how you feel about them but sometimes actions speak louder than words. The gesture of surprising someone with a “just because” says I think of you often and I care about your needs. The level of your giving is a personal one depending on your financial status and the reciprocal feelings within the walls of the relationship.

 On another level if you’re dealing with someone who really hasn’t shown a great interest in you or what your life is like outside of the time you spend together (booty calls-bed buddies-get right partners) then save your money and invest in yourself. If you’re in the predicament of having already given to someone and they’ve yet to show any type of appreciation, or they make that WTF face and offer a strained “thank you”, let that be the last gift you give to that individual. Don’t be an idiot! We all know when someone is not really interested in us so don’t waste your effort trying to buy their time. Use your best judgment on the subject matter of spending money on folks. If you’re just confused and not too sure where you stand contact me with some details and I’ll help you figure it out.

 Overall, it’s my opinion if you’re digging someone and there’s no doubt whether they’re feeling the same way go ahead and get them a Christmas gift. If they’re who you think they are I’m sure they’re getting you one too.

DISCLAIMER: Small Tokens are very thoughtful and sweet and Big Expensive Tokens will guarantee a great show of appreciation…I’m just sayin!           

Have a great one!

WHAT LEVEL ARE YOU LOVING?

Did that someone special you're dating just tell you they love you and you experienced temporary paralysis? Your mind is racing, your hands are clammy and you're at a loss of words. Don't be afraid to reciprocate the love. Yes I said it! Give the love back to that person and then hit them with the following. "Love is a wonderful thing that we all want to experience and it has so many levels that we can possibly reach together. I want to make sure we're on the same level." Good stuff right?!

I read something a few years ago and I still refer to it to keep my own emotions regulated. Neil Sperling authored a blog titled "The Four Levels of Love" http://neilsperling.hubpages.com/hub/Four-Levels-of-Love. Neil touches on some very key points where he breaks love down as different experiences at various levels. Here's the jest of what he says with the Miss Scarlet twist starting with the lower level working toward the top.

Level IX: Physical Love - a.k.a. Getting Turnt Out Love. It's that feeling after great sex when you can't remember your name. You're experiencing something incredible and you're not too sure what it is so you think its love. If it doesn't accompany anything more than just sex to back up your feelings then in my opinion I think its LUST! You may want to deter from expressing "love" to this person. This can lead to a very disappointing and awkward encounter when the tingly feeling in your groin is not met with mutual expression.
Level III: Mental Love - I call this one Psychological Satisfaction. Basically this is love you feel from being satisfied and content with a persons actions meeting your needs. This love is real but I worry that it may only be good through the season of the arrangement. My best example is a marriage built on convenience or entered into for the sake of children, money, or social pressure. It can be fulfilling and remain in tact if you're careful and stay attentive.
Level II: Emotional Love - This is the With All Your Heart love because it makes you feel good on the inside and it shines through to your exterior. This is that love where you develop a physical need for the presence of your partner. The true meaning of intimacy is present on this level and the physical love just manifests in a major way here. Just be careful that you're sharing this love with someone who has their emotions in tact so you don't create a harmful dependency.
Level I: Spiritual Love - I interpret this level as finding the Love of Your Life and reaching ultimate satisfaction with another human being. This is the finish each others sentences type of deal. This is the love that lasts a lifetime because it's a great balance of give and take. It is also unselfish and free from competition. Make no mistake it takes time to build to this level of love. For all you true romantics out there I hope it's truly possible to achieve.

I guess my point today is that we are all entitled to love who we want for whatever reason we wish. I think every relationship is capable of moving from one level to the next. Let's just be sure we're loving or being loved appropriately. There's nothing worse than waking up one day realizing the person you're partnered with is no longer or was never truly on your level. We'll talk again soon!

TODAY'S THOUGHT...Meet my..ummmm

"HELLO, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. OH THIS IS DAVE MY......UHHH....HMMM...."

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OUT WITH SOMEONE AND YOU COME ACROSS A TIME WHERE YOU MUST INTRODUCE THEM AND YOU STUMBLE UPON THEIR TITLE?

WHEN DOES A RELATIONSHIP CROSS THE LINE OF UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU BOTH WANT IT TO BE JUST THE TWO OF YOU? WHEN DOES THE RULE OF FORSAKING ALL OTHERS ACTUALLY KICK IN?

IS IT WHEN YOU REALIZE A PERSON FULFILLS ALL YOUR NEEDS AND YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO SHARE IN HOW THEY MAKE YOU FEEL? OR IS IT WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF CONCERNED ABOUT THEIR WELL BEING WHEN THEY'RE NOT AROUND? (AND NO...THOUGHTS OF SEX WITH THEM ARE NOT THE SAME THING!) I MEAN WHEN YOU'RE TRULY INTO THEM TO THE POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO INVEST IN THEM FINANCIALLY FOR EITHER THEIR NECESSITIES OR LITTLE EXTRAS JUST BECAUSE! THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU WAIT TO DO THINGS WITH BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO EXPERIENCE IT WITHOUT THEM. THE PERSON YOU CAN HAVE IN YOUR PRESENCE AND SILENCE BETWEEN YOU IS REALLY OKAY.

IT SEEMS WE GO TO THAT NEXT LEVEL WHEN SOME FORM OF TRUST KICKS IN. EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT IDEALS ON WHAT COMMITMENT IS OR HOW IT SHOULD MANIFEST ITSELF. WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE ON THE SAME PAGE WORKING TOWARD THE SAME OUTCOME IT'S A GOOD THING. I'M NOT SAYING GET CAUGHT UP ON TITLES WITHIN YOUR RELATIONSHIP BUT IF YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU FEEL FOR LACK OF A BETTER TERM "SOME TYPE OF WAY" SPEAK UP AND TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.

IF YOU CONTINUE TO BUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIP ON MUTUAL RESPECT I GUARANTEE IT WILL GROW INTO SOMETHING FABULOUS. JUST TODAY'S THOUGHT....ENJOY!

Male Patterned Foolishness

This blog is dedicated to all the men who think they are so fantabulous that every woman wants them and the woman they reside with or are partnered with should be ever so grateful to have him in their life because they are such a fuckin' catch. Recent events in the lives of my friends, co-workers, and family have sparked this topic. The syndrome of Male Patterned Foolishness is one that crosses over various facets of everyday living. The following is its definition as related to relationships.

Male Patterned Foolishness (syndrome/noun): The habitual lack of a natural function of sense, judgement, and discrection carried out by the male species. Relationship context: A man who repeatedly does the wrong thing while having full knowledge of how to execute the right thing.

Example: Your man thinking you didn't see him repeatedly turn to look at that woman's butt is a symptom of Male Patterned Foolishness.

Most commonly we tend to think only younger men suffer from the syndrome. However, recent acts of pure stupidity by males over forty have provided new findings on the subject proving this syndrome strikes without prejudice. Let's discuss the different strains of the disease further and through use of examples I will provide you with tactics to combat this wide spreading epidemic.

1. TEXT/CONVERSATION STRAIN: This man can't resist replying to other women and sometimes having the audacity to hold a telephone conversation with them while you're together. He is the guy you're dating who can't seem to realize you could be doing something else with anyone else. Further, if he's your number one and you happen to come across messages or photos from another woman you have a serious matter on your hands and you need to figure out how important he is in your routine. If he's a bill payer you proceed one way but if he's still in the boyfriend application process then you proceed another way, see below for combat tactics. Physical Signs: Shifty Eyes. Super Ability to switch topics before you realize. Quickly Apologetic.     

          Combat Tactics: For the guy you date intermittently suffering from this syndrome strain CHECK HIM IMMEDIATELY! Ladies don't be afraid to put your foot down and demand respect. He may not belong to you but you better let him know while you're together he needs to act like it. While you sit there quietly as he's on the phone smilin' and chattin' or typing mid-text you need to be in full contemplation of your next move. You either A, shut down and be silent until he figures it out while you ask to be driven home where you will then call Shawn your male voice of reason to reaffirm your actions and be convinced to move on, or B take it head on and ask him who he thinks you are and more importantly who he thinks he is that he can entertain another woman in your presence. Oh No! You're too fabulous for that shit and you need to let him know you have a zero tolerance policy.
          In the dating phase you haven't invested enough to really care so get out while you can. In the case of your number one or potential boyfriend behaving this way you go at it a little more subtle. If he's a bill payer you've already given him a certain level of control so you must use a form of reverse psychology. If you don't lock your phone start doing it on purpose. Take the long way home sometime. No matter what men say if they get a chance to look at your shit they will. And placing a little doubt in the man's mind should motivate him to realize you're not as desperate as he may think. In both cases of the potential and the official man - Yes you have to address it! Even if he comes out of pocket it doesn't give him the right to act with blatant disrespect. If you give him numerous chances and it still continues then you have a man who is habitual at entertaining other women. If he's your man your only recourse it to use him for what you need until you get tired of him all while looking for his replacement.

2. STAY OUT ALL NIGHT STRAIN: This strain confuses men into thinking their vampires. They want to be able to stay out until the crack of dawn while offering no real explanation of where they've been, who they were with, or what they were doing. It is probably the frustrating strain of MPF that exists because it's one you can't put your finger right on without empirical evidence. Physical Signs: Hangover. Reeks of some stimulant from the night before. Denies everything. Swollen tongue from telling numerous lies. May be missing undergarments.     

          Combat Tactics: This is usually the man who works hard, pays the bills, and doesn't give you too many problems. I hate to admit but if he doesn't cross the line and actually returns home after his night of exhibitionism then you're actually better off than you think. Usually you'll get "I was with Craig and them". Ladies I know it sounds stupid but he probably was with Craig and them if he's not giving you any other funky vibes. But this in no way means he gets a pass! What you can do for him is make sure you have early morning activities that happen to be noisy. You can also get your lunch money for the upcoming week out of this. If he's been out all night at the strip club or wherever getting his party on then he won't remember how much money he really spent so feel free to run those pockets for 25% - 50% of what's in them. He won't even question you because you haven't completely robbed him, plus he can't really dispute it without having to offer full explanation about where he's been all night. If it backfires you could always turn it back on him and ask who he was with that was so close they could've put their hand in his pocket! Automatic Win!

3. PARTY, PARTY, PARTY STRAIN: This strain turns the man into some sort of social beast that must make an appearance at every happening. This includes Bachelor parties, Birthday parties, Club Openings & Closings, First Fridays, Sexy Saturdays, All White parties, All Black parties...you get my drift. The problem with the partier arises when he never invites you to go with him to any of these functions. That usually means he's meeting other women at the party, picking up strays, or worse case scenario he may not be at them at all because he's really out with another woman all along. Physical Signs: Shiny shoes. Sharp Creases in his pants. Past due bills on his mail table.     

          Combat Tactics: Pop up at the All White party he's supposed to be at with his crew. And when I say pop-up I mean you better look like you just got out of a milk bath with polished skin dead right! Sit back for a few and post up somewhere inconspicuous and check his activity. Look for the girl in the crowd who seems to know him too well. And remember stay a lady! Send them a drink and when he spots you wave at him and then leave the club. If he's smart he'll be running after you asking you to come back in the club and you better go! Yes I said go back in with him! This is for your satisfaction and to see what the hell is going on and don't be shy at introducing yourself to the young lady he was with earlier. Umm hmm he won't even see it coming and the truth will come out in the wash. The flip side is he'll spend the rest of the night out probably with that trick and come home later with some lame excuse and act like nothing happened. Do a few repeat pop-ups and see where the trail leads you before you jump to conclusions. In time it will all play out and in the meanwhile you need extra money for everything. Hit him where it hurts until he has repented to your satisfaction.

4. CAN'T LEAVE BITCHES ALONE STRAIN: This strain is pretty much self explanatory. However a most harmful strain identified as the Symplex II outbreak of MPF can be found in men over forty still engaging in frivolous acts of sex and trysts with multiple women. Unfortunately the male suffering from this usually leaves you with some very unforgettable things. Things like broken windows from the crazed bitches he's screwing, nice little bumps from STDs, and loss of money in your household due to his child suppport for babies made while he was with you. Physical Signs: Red irritated skin around the pubic region. Gift of gab. Gives great gifts.     

          Combat Tactics: I admit the relationship with this man will take some time to exit, as it may have diminished your self esteem, so get yourself a support network and a plan. Shake it off bitch! First things first save your money before you attempt to hit the road so you don't have to run back to his sorry ass. On the flip side, if you're the patient turn-the-other-cheek type who likes to hold on through thick and thin then maybe you're dealing with a man who is only going through a phase of whorish behavior. And if you truly believe that I have some waterfront property in Nevada to sell you.
          Sidebar: Ladies I don't want you to take credit for any of these syndromes from which your man is suffering. Especially the Symplex II Can't Leave Bitches Alone strain. In fact ladies in most cases these actions are a true sign of insecurity on his part. If there was ever any small contribution from you toward his problem it was merely that you placed trust in him thinking he could be a better human being. Unfortunately some of them cannot.

In closing, there are many strains of Male Patterned Foolishness and today we've only touched the surface of the problem. If you have any input on other strains of this disease plaguing men from all backgrounds and socio-economic categories feel free to enlighten us with those you've identified and prospective treatment plans.

'Til next time....

The Need - vs- The Want

 

The Need -vs- The Want

The need versus the want is something I try to balance in my head to stay focused on many, many things to keep them in perspective. My theory works in most areas of our lives but I’m going to put some light on the Needed Relationship versus the Wanted Relationship.

Most relationships begin with a genuine attraction. While attraction for every human being is somewhat varied in criteria for the most part it starts off a little superficial. Whether your standard warrants the other person to look a certain way, maintain a certain lifestyle, or have specific characteristics it all starts with a hope that things will work out for the best. However! Sometimes we can let these so-called standards turn into excuses for why we tolerate an intolerable relationship. Hear me out!

Have you ever had a man say “I need you baby. You know I can’t make it without you!” I’m sure we’ve all heard this type of bullcrap from some man we allowed to take up space and breathe our air. When you first hear him utter this tomfoolery you think “Awww he’s so sweet”. Did you ever think about what he really means when he says this to you? He’s telling you that you are giving him something he cannot go without to get through his life. That’s some deep shit! Do you really want all that responsibility for someone else life? And what the heck are you giving him that he can’t do without? Is it money, sex, transportation, meals, all your emotion? It may be time to figure out why he’s around. Especially if you’re at the point where you are now emotionally burnt, broke, or just plain tired because you have nothing left to give after fulfilling all his needs. The woman who only supplies the ‘need’ is placing herself at a disadvantage. Based upon our instinct to be nurturers we strive to make everyone feel good and support everyone in their endeavors. The problem is we don’t usually take time to notice if our state of mind is in check during our superwoman acts. And you usually don’t realize you’re too far gone until you start actually feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated and the sense of wilting on the inside. Congratulations, You have now become a Certified Need Provider in your relationship and sorry but it’s inevitable that you will seek outside self-reassurance due to that lack of support. Believe it or not the source of relief isn’t always likely to be in the form of an affair. For us women this is usually the last option-because we’re not naturally as screwed up in our judgment as men-but we do have other vices that make us feel fulfilled when we think we’re not getting what we need from our mate. Activities like shopping, gambling, and drinking are actually more tempting to most of us than sex with another crazy man! It would be your luck to have an affair to seek relief from your emotional black hole but end up with Psycho Stalker Sam. Ladies, Psycho Stalker Sam can’t handle all that passion you built up while you were withholding your cooch from the boyfriend because you were so-called ‘punishing him’. Think about that shit!!!  As much as they talk, most men can’t really handle all we are capable of giving. Especially the creepy stalker guy who comes in a very nice package tied up with a bow! Wait until he texts-calls-sends flower-and shows up at your job!!! Wooh! What did you do that man!? On the twisted side of the feminine rainbow - isn’t it nice to know how much power we have? You just have to know how to wield it carefully, but that’s an entirely different blog topic altogether (look out for that one).

So what about the want of it all? Doesn’t this just sound better coming from the penis...“I want you baby. You mean everything to me!” This man is saying he has real desire for you. He realizes you provide him with support and he doesn’t want to make any moves without you. A man who is confident enough to utter words like this is already aware of how important your presence is to his existence. Let’s keep it real, all men are very needy in their own way. The difference is the man who expects and the man who accepts your help and guidance. It’s simply my opinion that we should be working to fulfill the man instead of sustaining the man. The sustained man expects you to do things for him because he gives nothing in return and you reaffirm his idiocy when you keep giving to him and never demand anything from him. On the other hand the fulfilled man accepts your input toward what he should do and how he should do it because he trusts you and respects what you bring to the table. Usually this is the man who truly wants to build something with you. When you fulfill someone it automatically creates a give and take situation, which I’ll refer to as a balance.

Even though there are some men who claim they like to be ‘da man’ and run shit they eventually look toward their woman for help in one of the key areas (finance, romance, emotions, business, intimacy etc..). If you have fallen into the trap of being the damsel in distress and the time comes when your man needs you to play your role as partner in one of these key areas you will not be able to do so because you’ve lost site of the balance. So what is the balance you ask?

Balance

Webster's Definition (noun): A stable mental or psychological state; A harmonious or satisfying arrangement or proportion of parts or elements, as in a design.

 

Miss Scarlet's Definition (verb): The conscious co-mingling of two people's finances, lifestyles, emotions, shortcomings, and strengths. See below examples of good balance according to Miss Scarlet.  

  

#1. Trust him! Do not believe for one minute that because you call him ten times a day while you’re apart that he can’t use his penis. Just stop it! If it’s that bad then maybe you shouldn’t be with him or maybe he shouldn’t be with you (ah hah).

#2. Let him go! For pete’s sake ladies, if you have a good man don’t be afraid to let him breathe. If you can’t let him go out with the fellows every now and again he’ll begin to feel smothered and eventually he will look for an escape.

#3. Be Secure! Have confidence that you are treating him right and he’ll treat you right in return. Your attitude is everything and determines what your man really thinks about you. If you don’t respect yourself how do you expect him to follow suit?

#4. Mine, Yours, and Ours! This goes for everything, yes everything. Money, Friends, Getaways! No I haven’t lost my mind. Pay bills together but keep a stash for yourself. When his friends come over remember you are not one of the boys! Say hey, put the snacks out and take your behind upstairs. Finally, a little absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and nobody wants to take sand to the beach all the time. Contrary to popular belief we are sort of worse on vacation than men…I’m just sayin! Don’t be afraid to let him go away with friends. Believe me he can do the same thing out of town that he can do in town.

#5. This is the most important: All these examples go both ways!! Make no mistake that he needs to also Trust you, Let you go, Make you feel secure, and Share!! For this to work you have to set that tone from the beginning through your own self respect.

If you read the definition above and you can’t even relate to any of it within your current relationship, or your relationship is total opposite from the examples listed you’re probably sustaining your man. If you have a grown man who started out as your mate but has become as your dependent child because he’s relying on you for his way of life, you are definitely entangled in one of those needed relationships. This man probably has no goals or self determination and you already know it but you resolve to hold on to those bullshit standards that drew you to him in the first place. I can hear you now, “he cooks”, “he’s great in bed”, “he cleans the house”, “he babysits our kids so I can go to work”. Of course he cooks! You bought all the food he likes and he doesn’t have any money to buy take-out. He has to be great in bed because he’s probably cheating on you so he’s had time to hone his skills so you don’t know he was with another woman a few hours earlier. If he cleans up his mess that’s what he’s supposed to do! And oh my goodness aren’t those his kids too! You cannot babysit your own kids because it’s called parenting. Ladies our problem is we give it (It = sex, trust, love, quality) up too quick and when we realize he’s not who he says he is it’s now too late because we’ve already invested something in him. And oh boy when we think we’ve paid into a man we are relentless to get something out of it. Listen to me! You cannot squeeze milk from dried up boobs or blood from a turnip-whichever phrase you prefer. It’s never too late to rid yourself of the appendage – scrape it off before it turns you into a pod of your former fabulous self. All men are not worthy of the balance and you can usually tell that right away if you stay true to yourself at the onset of the relationship. Some change and growth when assuming partnership is good, but if you find yourself doing things that impact you negatively from the jump then it’s not worth the time you need to spend finding the balance within that particular union. “On to the next!”

Yes I admit I’m being tough on you all who have fallen victim to need based relationships. But only because I want you to know you don’t have to stay a victim. You are worthy of a partner who wants you for the input you have to offer that will compliment his overall success and vice-versa. Ladies and Queens I wish for you to gain the self-esteem and confidence to desire to be WANTED and not NEEDED. Name your worth and never negotiate your price! If you need something to share your bed, rely on you for meals and lick you….get a dog.

‘Til next time thanks for reading!

 

 

The Rotation

                                                                        "The Rotation"

 

Definition (verb): The practice of utilizing the individual assets (not weaknesses) of multiple men simultaneously to fulfill your pending need, with minimal interaction of all involved parties. Not at all to be confused with playing a man through disrespectful actions. Somewhat similar to what men have been doing for centuries but without deceit. Recommended for single women but also available in a specific module for married women (e-mail me directly for that curriculum).

Now I’ll be honest, every woman is not capable of the rotation. Before you continue reading and get caught up in this program ask yourself these few key questions.

      Do I mix up names in my head? Correct Answer: NO(if you said yes this is not good because no one-especially a man-wants to be called by the wrong name)

      Can I balance my schedule effectively? Correct Answer: YES (there may be times when you have multiple offers from your men and you must prioritize and keep them from overlapping)

      Are you looking for love right now? Correct Answer: NO (if you answered yes shut this down…the rotation is not designed to seek out your soul mate..it’s about having fun..we’ll go over that soul mate crap later)

      Are you capable of understanding the difference between love and lust? Correct Answer: YES (while you may not sleep with every member of your rotation…you actually might! You have to know that good sex does not equate love)    

Okay so now that you know you’re capable of the rotation let’s get into it! A good rotation has members that meet specific needs and you must first define your multiple needs. Some of us want great sex, some want to go out often, some own property and need a handy man, some want to be wined & dined, while others want a cuddle buddy. The point of the rotation is to be in touch with the reality that not all these things will be found within one man but we can get the best from each man. Make sense?

The great thing is that men come in all sorts of nice packages. I recommend when you’re holding interviews for members of your rotation you maintain a level of honesty. Now I’m not saying put all your cards on the table and tell him how many other men you’re seeing but do tell him you see other people. As women we have this crazy thing inside that wants love and all that but for you to be strong in your rotation ability you have to suppress that for the time being. Keep your emotions in check! Ladies…please don’t get it twisted…I’m sure he’s already seeing at least two other women and the terms of the rotation keep your mind right while he’s doing that. See that’s the beauty of it! The rotation affords you the opportunity of not focusing on who he’s seeing because by the time you start thinking about it his turn is up and you’re on to the next member. I know it sounds harsh but this is not about finding a man to keep. This is about identifying the optimal function of the male species and making it work in your world. Let’s discuss some of those functions.

The Man on Your Arm: This is the man who is so fine that every time you’re with him bitches just salivate. You have to be a confident woman to roll with this type of man and know how to smile and pat him on the ass when you get those looks from the haters. Usually he is great for public appearances and if he actually has a brain he may be able to hold small conversations at your office party. But don’t let him stray too far away from you! Some vulture may be lurking and take your spot on his rotation.

Mr Fix It: This man is great with everything from electronics to clogged toilets to changing the oil in your car. The problem is he’s probably not that attractive or either overweight but he’s sort of fun to be around. You invite him over to the house to work on things and then you either have mercy sex with him because you’re just feeling nasty, or you may be able to get away with fixing him a sandwich. Either way it’s all good because the benefit outweighs the task.

The Gift Giver: Awww this is the guy who is so freakin’ sweet! He always remembers your birthday, takes you to exclusive restaurants and events, tells you how beautiful you are, and even throws in a pair of Jimmy Choo’s or Prada’s every now and then because he has the black AMEX card. He’s just too good to be true…because he is and can only be tolerated in small doses and most of the time he is challenged in the penis profile. But you suck it up….literally!!

Mr Fun Fun Fun: He’s the guy you can call anytime to roll anywhere with you and you’re guaranteed to have a great time. You can actually have decent sporadic sex with him too! He can be around your friends and jump into any conversation. He may even actually ask you for permission to date one of them. Most of the time you have to pay for his drinks and his meal but it works when you’re bored and just wanna go hang out with a man.

Homebody Guy: This is the guy who makes you laugh and you can actually have decent sex. His home is immaculate and meticulously coordinated for a man. He’s usually very attractive and sweet. He’ll cook for you, run you a bubble bath, and give a great massage. He’s good for when you just wanna snuggle on the couch and chill. Aaaaaahh! But don’t dare think you’re going to spend a night out on the town with him. He’s happy in the realm he’s created within the four walls of his house so you better get your slippers ready.

Mr Get Right: WOO! What can I say? This is the man whose calendar you try to stay on because he is so very talented in the bedroom. You clear your entire schedule when he calls and you don’t even look at your cell phone when you’re with him. He has the power to control all your bodily functions with a hand gesture. Yes ladies like Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster he does exist! Of course he’s probably married to a bitch who has no idea what she has at her disposal, or he’s such a whore you have to park your car in his garage so the next bitch won’t key it while you’re at his house. But that’s why there’s a MAACO, personal property damage riders on your insurance, and now cell phone companies allow us to download apps to block crazy bitches.

 
   In case you’re not fully understanding the benefits that a rotation can bring you here is a sample.

Rotation Sample Week – Monday through Sunday:  (The sex outlined in the sample below no way reflects any willing or unwilling activities I have been a party to. I am in no way admitting any acts, plans, or intentions stated herein. No penises were damaged in this rotation sample)

Monday: Tired from the weekend see Homebody Guy for quiet in-house dinner, movie, and a massage - relaxation sex.

Tuesday: Day Off the Rotation. Connect via phone to Man on the Arm to secure your Thursday night escort. You text Mr. Get Right but get no reply - damn him and his pleasure bringer!

Wednesday: AM wake some bullshit text reply from Mr. Get Right but you just reply 'K'. Mr. Fun Fun Fun calls you before you get off work and wants you to come to happy hour so you go hang for a while. You end up paying for the drinks and curse him out - no sex (but he offered some alternative service buy you're pissed so you decline)

Thursday: AM wake to apology text from Mr. Fun Fun Fun - you accept it because he did pay for the Happy Hour two weeks ago. He wants to see you Sunday, you reply 'maybe'. Tonight's the Holiday party at work: The Man on the Arm picks you up and provides escort. He holds you so nicely on the dance floor and he’s such a pleasure to look upon. Apple Martinis – definitely sex.

Friday: Having Girls Nite In at your place tonight for pre-holiday drinks and the garbage disposal is broken. Call Mr Fix It – make him a sandwich in lieu of sex.

Saturday: Mr. Get Right calls at 2am when he gets home from the club. You jump in your car - absolutely sex! Saturday evening you hang out with your friends and tell them about the great hours of sex you had with Mr. Get Right.

Sunday: Mr. Fun Fun Fun calls but you don't answer because The Gift Giver just called inviting you to brunch at the restaurant overlooking the park. You eat and take a stroll. He kisses you and you cringe as he attempts to suck your lungs up through your throat - no sex with a good excuse...cramps. Get to bed early. 

As I stated the rotation is not for everyone, especially those of you truly seeking a committed relationship right now. The rotation is good for ladies who are newly broken up from a thing and who don’t necessarily want or need to rush into something so serious just yet. It’s also good if your personality doesn’t allow you to be tied down to one man for very long. You may be a person who would benefit from their own customized rotation.

The only thing that will throw off your rotation is that you have the wrong people in it! As women we are sometimes afraid to let a man go for fear he won’t return or we’re gonna miss his ship when it finally sails in. Guess what? His ship probably wrecked a long time ago and if he’s really for you and into you he’ll be back. Otherwise chock it up as a chapter and be thankful you were spared from future drama. Also, keep out the crazies! If it looks wrong, feels wrongs, and people tell you its wrong…9 times out of 10 it’s wrong! Make no mistake ladies, every encounter is about a give and a take. What are you giving to it and what are you taking away from it? Let’s be clear, no man is going to ride with you if you don’t make him feel like the man. Especially when he is somewhat aware that he’s not the only man with whom you spend time. The key is to play up whatever it is you have to offer and make it most appealing to him and his personality so he’ll want to stay in your rotation. You must make sure that everyone on your rotation has a purpose or what’s the use? There will be a trial and error process but once you get the players perfectly aligned there’s no stopping you!

Note: If you intend to continue reading my blog you must be mindful that ‘The Rotation’ is absolutely not ‘The Flip’. That forthcoming topic is a bit more shall we say……raw.

                                                                      Thanks for reading!

One on One

Hey Ladies, Queens and Divas! I started this blog to give you all an outlet to read about the crazy stuff that happens in the real word of dating and relationships. Basically so you’ll know you’re not alone and yes that shit that happened to you has also happened to someone else. And if it hasn’t yet then it probably will and you’ll see how either my friends or I handled certain situations and you’ll have a sort of template to follow. For you all in some type of committed relationship you’ll see pointers from my perspective on how to keep your relationship fresh and how to keep from being homicidal and stay focused when your man crosses that point of no return. So who am I you ask and what do I know about it? I’m newly single and on the dating scene since separating from my husband in the traditional black folk manner, meaning I just packed all my shit and my kids and left! When my marriage was great it was so because I made it so, and when I realized I was the only one worried about it I dropped the ball because my arm got tired. I’m also the friend who will give it to you straight or not give it to you at all. Most of the time I’m the voice of realistic consequences to any crazy actions you’re mulling over in your head. Oh yeah, and I have this degree in Psychology. That being said, my series of blogs will show you that I am very candid but never intentionally hurtful while giving insight on a number of topics. If you’re overly sensitive or fear the word ‘penis’ or ‘bitch’ you may not wish to partake of my blogspot and that is your prerogative. However, if you’re brave enough to feed your guilty pleasures on things you think but would never say about men, sex, and life in general, while laughing and cutting up, then I welcome you to become an avid reader of my twisted but highly rational views.

I look forward to having fun with this blog thing and hope you all enjoy! If you have topic ideas you’d like me to discuss or questions you can hit me at partywithscarlet@gmail.com .