This blog is dedicated to all the men who think they are so fantabulous that every woman wants them and the woman they reside with or are partnered with should be ever so grateful to have him in their life because they are such a fuckin' catch.
Recent events in the lives of my friends, co-workers, and family have sparked this topic. The syndrome of Male Patterned Foolishness is one that crosses over various facets of everyday living. The following is its definition as related to relationships.
Male Patterned Foolishness (syndrome/noun): The habitual lack of a natural function of sense, judgement, and discrection carried out by the male species. Relationship context: A man who repeatedly does the wrong thing while having full knowledge of how to execute the right thing.
Example: Your man thinking you didn't see him repeatedly turn to look at that woman's butt is a symptom of Male Patterned Foolishness.
Most commonly we tend to think only younger men suffer from the syndrome. However, recent acts of pure stupidity by males over forty have provided new findings on the subject proving this syndrome strikes without prejudice. Let's discuss the different strains of the disease further and through use of examples I will provide you with tactics to combat this wide spreading epidemic.
1. TEXT/CONVERSATION STRAIN: This man can't resist replying to other women and sometimes having the audacity to hold a telephone conversation with them while you're together. He is the guy you're dating who can't seem to realize you could be doing something else with anyone else. Further, if he's your number one and you happen to come across messages or photos from another woman you have a serious matter on your hands and you need to figure out how important he is in your routine. If he's a bill payer you proceed one way but if he's still in the boyfriend application process then you proceed another way, see below for combat tactics. Physical Signs: Shifty Eyes. Super Ability to switch topics before you realize. Quickly Apologetic.
Combat Tactics: For the guy you date intermittently suffering from this syndrome strain CHECK HIM IMMEDIATELY! Ladies don't be afraid to put your foot down and demand respect. He may not belong to you but you better let him know while you're together he needs to act like it. While you sit there quietly as he's on the phone smilin' and chattin' or typing mid-text you need to be in full contemplation of your next move. You either A, shut down and be silent until he figures it out while you ask to be driven home where you will then call Shawn your male voice of reason to reaffirm your actions and be convinced to move on, or B take it head on and ask him who he thinks you are and more importantly who he thinks he is that he can entertain another woman in your presence. Oh No! You're too fabulous for that shit and you need to let him know you have a zero tolerance policy.
In the dating phase you haven't invested enough to really care so get out while you can. In the case of your number one or potential boyfriend behaving this way you go at it a little more subtle. If he's a bill payer you've already given him a certain level of control so you must use a form of reverse psychology. If you don't lock your phone start doing it on purpose. Take the long way home sometime. No matter what men say if they get a chance to look at your shit they will. And placing a little doubt in the man's mind should motivate him to realize you're not as desperate as he may think. In both cases of the potential and the official man - Yes you have to address it! Even if he comes out of pocket it doesn't give him the right to act with blatant disrespect. If you give him numerous chances and it still continues then you have a man who is habitual at entertaining other women. If he's your man your only recourse it to use him for what you need until you get tired of him all while looking for his replacement.
2. STAY OUT ALL NIGHT STRAIN: This strain confuses men into thinking their vampires. They want to be able to stay out until the crack of dawn while offering no real explanation of where they've been, who they were with, or what they were doing. It is probably the frustrating strain of MPF that exists because it's one you can't put your finger right on without empirical evidence. Physical Signs: Hangover. Reeks of some stimulant from the night before. Denies everything. Swollen tongue from telling numerous lies. May be missing undergarments.
Combat Tactics: This is usually the man who works hard, pays the bills, and doesn't give you too many problems. I hate to admit but if he doesn't cross the line and actually returns home after his night of exhibitionism then you're actually better off than you think. Usually you'll get "I was with Craig and them". Ladies I know it sounds stupid but he probably was with Craig and them if he's not giving you any other funky vibes. But this in no way means he gets a pass! What you can do for him is make sure you have early morning activities that happen to be noisy. You can also get your lunch money for the upcoming week out of this. If he's been out all night at the strip club or wherever getting his party on then he won't remember how much money he really spent so feel free to run those pockets for 25% - 50% of what's in them. He won't even question you because you haven't completely robbed him, plus he can't really dispute it without having to offer full explanation about where he's been all night. If it backfires you could always turn it back on him and ask who he was with that was so close they could've put their hand in his pocket! Automatic Win!
3. PARTY, PARTY, PARTY STRAIN: This strain turns the man into some sort of social beast that must make an appearance at every happening. This includes Bachelor parties, Birthday parties, Club Openings & Closings, First Fridays, Sexy Saturdays, All White parties, All Black parties...you get my drift. The problem with the partier arises when he never invites you to go with him to any of these functions. That usually means he's meeting other women at the party, picking up strays, or worse case scenario he may not be at them at all because he's really out with another woman all along. Physical Signs: Shiny shoes. Sharp Creases in his pants. Past due bills on his mail table.
Combat Tactics: Pop up at the All White party he's supposed to be at with his crew. And when I say pop-up I mean you better look like you just got out of a milk bath with polished skin dead right! Sit back for a few and post up somewhere inconspicuous and check his activity. Look for the girl in the crowd who seems to know him too well. And remember stay a lady! Send them a drink and when he spots you wave at him and then leave the club. If he's smart he'll be running after you asking you to come back in the club and you better go! Yes I said go back in with him! This is for your satisfaction and to see what the hell is going on and don't be shy at introducing yourself to the young lady he was with earlier. Umm hmm he won't even see it coming and the truth will come out in the wash. The flip side is he'll spend the rest of the night out probably with that trick and come home later with some lame excuse and act like nothing happened. Do a few repeat pop-ups and see where the trail leads you before you jump to conclusions. In time it will all play out and in the meanwhile you need extra money for everything. Hit him where it hurts until he has repented to your satisfaction.
4. CAN'T LEAVE BITCHES ALONE STRAIN: This strain is pretty much self explanatory. However a most harmful strain identified as the Symplex II outbreak of MPF can be found in men over forty still engaging in frivolous acts of sex and trysts with multiple women. Unfortunately the male suffering from this usually leaves you with some very unforgettable things. Things like broken windows from the crazed bitches he's screwing, nice little bumps from STDs, and loss of money in your household due to his child suppport for babies made while he was with you. Physical Signs: Red irritated skin around the pubic region. Gift of gab. Gives great gifts.
Combat Tactics: I admit the relationship with this man will take some time to exit, as it may have diminished your self esteem, so get yourself a support network and a plan. Shake it off bitch! First things first save your money before you attempt to hit the road so you don't have to run back to his sorry ass. On the flip side, if you're the patient turn-the-other-cheek type who likes to hold on through thick and thin then maybe you're dealing with a man who is only going through a phase of whorish behavior. And if you truly believe that I have some waterfront property in Nevada to sell you.
Sidebar: Ladies I don't want you to take credit for any of these syndromes from which your man is suffering. Especially the Symplex II Can't Leave Bitches Alone strain. In fact ladies in most cases these actions are a true sign of insecurity on his part. If there was ever any small contribution from you toward his problem it was merely that you placed trust in him thinking he could be a better human being. Unfortunately some of them cannot.
In closing, there are many strains of Male Patterned Foolishness and today we've only touched the surface of the problem. If you have any input on other strains of this disease plaguing men from all backgrounds and socio-economic categories feel free to enlighten us with those you've identified and prospective treatment plans.
'Til next time....
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