The X Chronicles- DAY 1



CHRONICLES

It’s Monday and what better way to start off the week with a cute call from your ex?! In memory of their poor souls I’m going to dedicate five straight days to a throwback of the exes. Simply to honor the lost or discarded love/like/indifference between two consenting parties who really thought they were on to something that fizzled and died. I will cover a range of topics to soothe those who are still mourning their loss and entertain those who are giddy with freedom. Keep Reading!

x CHRONICLES…DAY 1 “Funny One-Liners Courtesy of an Ex”

Hey do you need anything? Isn’t this the silliest thing you could ever hear from an ex? The audacity to ask me what I need now that the ride has stopped. P-LEASE! I needed time! I needed you to listen and take me seriously! I needed some damn money on this light bill!

Why did you leave me? Now this is a tricky one. Be careful and gauge the tone of voice in which this question is posed. This could be some bait for a renewed anger toward you, or it could generally be a question by a person who finally realizes they messed up. Either way RUN!!

What made you think I cheated on you? Hmmm let’s see, how about you having to leave the room to take mysterious phone calls. Oh! I know, what about the mysterious ailments your mama had that kept you sleeping at her house a few nights every week. But I saw her in the store and she looked fine. And how about the women calling my phone and hanging up? Oh you didn’t even hear my phone ring? Keep it pushin’!

What chick? / What dude? This question pops up when your break-up was centered on the presence of a single person who mysteriously entered your relationship and took up more time than you should’ve allowed. More than likely the ex will return and when they spark up this conversation pretending you’re an idiot and ask “What chick” or “What dude”, please don’t strike them. Just close your eyes and remember how much peace you have now that you don’t have to deal with their mess anymore.

You don’t miss me? Sigh….people have a funny way of thinking you cannot move forward in your life without them. I’m not saying at some point you didn’t go through a phase where you’re looking for them to call or stop by, but that actually doesn’t last for too long. Don’t even answer this question, even if they do cross your mind every once in a while. We all get the willies and that feeling of the hairs standing up on the back of our necks from time to time.

Can you send me one last pic of yourself? It is needless for me to tell you not to do this but I’m going to say it anyway, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! For some of you it may seem cute like "Aww he/she misses me" but let me help you regain your senses. First, if they're really an ex they already have your pics. Second, they're only attempting to spark an emotional reaction. Lastly, think of all the body fluids that may corrupt your flick! YUCK! Remember that we live in an age of technology and your image is sacred and can be used against you in attempts to sabotage any new flames you just lit.

Final Dumb Ex Question for Day One of the X CHRONICLES…

Can I make love to you one last time? LISTEN TO ME! I don’t care if you’ve been in a drought! I don’t care if your ex is the greatest lover of all time! DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR GOODS! This few moments of lust will set you back physically (he may have an STD by now), emotionally (do you really want to be hearing ghost rings from her), and financially (the amount of drinks you’ll have to purchase or shopping you’ll have to perform to get over this stupidity is too expensive for your now one income lifestyle).

‘DEM EXES THOUGH!

Stay tuned for DAY 2 OF THE  x  CHRONICLES