The X Chronicles - Day 4

 

 

        CHRONICLES

 

X CHRONICLES…DAY 4 “An Ex For All Seasons”

So its day four and I felt I can now get a little personal and discuss an issue that I have with exes in hopes that maybe one of my readers can tell me I’m not the only one who has these experiences. Is it just me or do you either create ugly monsters or insane stalkers out of some of your exes? It seems they either want to do so much for you now you’re gone, or they act like they don’t even know you when they see you. What is this phenomenon?

I am continually faced with either the cold shoulder, the downward shifted eyes with a smile, or the cold stare of anger when I come into contact with most of these poor souls. Is it my fault they missed my bus when it drove through their neighborhood? Am I to blame for their late epiphany of the great enhancement they received in the presence of my love? Let’s see if we share any of these exes in common.

The Calculating Ex is the one who follows you through the grocery store but acts like they don’t see you in front of them. Peeking over at you from the next register as if they’re a damn secret agent.
Just wave and he’ll look away fast and storm off.

The Stalker Ex is the one who mails you greeting cards with notes referencing the fun times you shared but mysteriously never signs their name to them as if you don’t know who sent them.
I’m sorry there’s no cure for him until you have a new partner move in with you.

The Lustful Ex is the one you run into somewhere who either grabs your ass or gets all up in your ear explaining how he has now added gymnastics to his bag of sexual tricks. Taunting you on how you're missing out if you don’t give him one last try to please you.
Yuck! Tell him your back hurts and start limping and let a little drool pool in the corner of your mouth. Be careful though, he might try to lick it.

The Close To You Ex is the one who purposely buys property in the vicinity of your home so you have to either drive by their house or randomly "bump into them" on a regular basis. Don't worry if this doesn't work they’ll just put your street on their jogging route.
Sorry the sidewalks are public and the police won’t help you.

The Loving Ex is the one who tells their new boo all about you so when you meet casually somewhere they act like you’re best friends and give you a hug! 
When the new flame turns their back this ex will try to kiss you.

The Hateful Ex is the one who tells their new boo that you still want them and makes up an alternate reality about your current non-existent relationship.
All you can do is change your number and stay away from them. And it can’t hurt to keep some pepper spray in your bag….just in case.

The Helpful Ex is the one who wants to help you fix stuff in your house, mow your grass, loan you money, cook for you, watch your kids and a bunch of other things you know better than to allow.
Open the door for this ex and they’ll never go away! They'll even make friends with your new boo (damn shame).
 

For quite some time I racked my brain thinking what I could have possibly done to deserve such ill treatment from men who I cared for, or what in the heck sparked such renewed interest from those who had no initiative until we separated? I’ve learned that I can’t fix them, help them, and no longer want to continue to give them my effort. I hope you're feeling the same way!

'DEM EXES THOUGH

STAY TUNED FOR THE EARLY POST OF THE FINALE - DAY 5 OF THE X CHRONICLES.....

The X Chronicles...Day 3

         CHRONICLES

X CHRONICLES…DAY 3 “The Controversial X”

Exes come in all shapes and forms. Today we’re going to talk about two controversial existences. Don’t be ashamed to admit you put up with one or both of these categorical exes. Life is full of experiences and one day you’ll realize it was just that, an experience which led to the person you are today with the outlook and wisdom you now possess. Oh yes, these particular exes will leave you with some real prolific shit on your mind. Walk with me while I take you down this road full of jagged rocks.  

#1 THE EX WHO ALWAYS BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE AND YOU FINALLY GAVE THEM BACK

Okay so yeah it’s what it sounds like. The married man/woman got you and fed you some bullshit that tasted like strawberries and ice cream and you ate it up until you remembered you were lactose intolerant. And after you threw it all up and came to your senses their head spun around and the exorcist showed up. These exes mostly behave in one of the following manners that can go in two very extreme opposite directions. Eventually they have to cease and desist but this only happens when their spouse finds their text messages begging you for one more romp.

JODI A) Jodi A can turn in to that stalking married man that does things so crazy you won’t believe he actually has a wife. He’s liable to show up with plane tickets to whisk you away to convince you to stay. Show up banging on your door and have your neighbors peeking out the window ready to call the cops. He will leave notes on your car and even show up at your job. At this point he doesn’t even care who sees him carrying on. Yeah it can get real! The real issue that has him going insane is they can’t handle the reality of you actually tiring of their years of lies and promises to leave their spouse. It’s not the point they didn’t think it would ever happen that’s so upsetting. It’s the fact their spell on you was actually broken and they can’t figure out where they went wrong.  How dare you want more out of your life than to be the best kept secret! In this case just be careful. I sense the need for a restraining order or a visit from your country cousins.

JODI B) This one is a master manipulator. So smooth and slick with his words that your whole world stopped when he called. Just like Jodie A, Jodie B can’t pinpoint where they lost their power but the difference is he will actually try to remain a little more subtle to continue dialogue with you. While you think he’s willing to accept you ending the saga and you’re going to be “just friends”, he’s actually just talking to you long enough to pick your brain to determine what was your breaking point.  After he’s done with you don’t expect any continued contact because he no longer needs you. He will use this data to perfect his game for the next victim. Oh yes no matter what he says, “You’re the last woman I’ll deal with outside my marriage”, he’s a liar. You weren’t the first, second or the last. Leave him where you found him living inside of his self-made prison. There he will die and it’s not your fault!  

#2 THE EX WHO LEFT YOU, IS NOW IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP, BUT STILL WANTS YOU TO THINK IT’S OKAY TO LET THEM COME SPEND THE NIGHT EVERY NOW AND THEN.

Sigh…I just can’t say enough that you should refuse to be used for their spur of the moment enjoyment. Sadly, they’re using all the good stuff you put in them to work in that new relationship and still not getting it right OBVIOUSLY! No matter how much you think you’re either one upping her or now have a better relationship with him because you can “just see him when you wanna” without the commitment, it’s foolish. As the “chosen one” in this scenario we work into our heads that our role in this situation is okay because we had him first and she’s the dumb one because he’s still sleeping with you blah, blah, blah. On the other side the new chick thinks you’re out of the picture because he tells her so (at least until he calls her your name by accident) and she really believes him!

I know it sounds crazy but neither you or the new flame are the fool in this situation. It’s that damn manipulative, greedy, conniving ex! Whether man or woman, no one deserves to continue to reap benefits from a decent relationship they either abandoned or got ejected from. Do not allow them to take the lessons you taught AND your intimacy into a new relationship. Yeah he looks cute the way you taught him to match his clothes and buy shoes without laces. Okay she looks good with the Cuticle Remy hair from the back of the register instead of the bargain box on the floor. So what? I have one concept for you to put in your head every time you grow angry about your invested time and attention, or think about letting them come over to work off their financial and emotional debt…Charity. It’s really that simple. Think of these ignant mofos as private charity cases that you volunteered time for and file them away. This ex truly believes they can achieve some type of status by manipulating people who actually care for them. Eventually it catches up and when it does it's never a happy ending. Who's the fool now?

The best thing you can do for yourself is respect thy self. Don’t let a bum ex take that away from you.

 
STAY TUNED FOR DAY 4 OF THE  X CHRONICLES

The X Chronicles - DAY 2

   
 CHRONICLES

X CHRONICLES...DAY 2 “Absence makes the single heart grow stronger”

Remember that an ex is an ex for one reason or another. Whether you both mutually agreed to split, something tangibly wrong occurred, or they abruptly up and left you by yourself you are now excluded from their life. Sometimes you get dumped and you weren’t ready for it and now find yourself with the big “S” on your forehead. Well this week we’re not talking about your failure to retain that ex, we’re focusing on the failure of that fucker to keep their commitment.

Let’s discuss your ex and find out if you really should be feeling so lonely instead of liberated from this relationship. Shall we reflect?

REFLECTION #1 - IDENTIFY THAT EX Sometimes it really IS them and NOT you! You need to identify their defect and regain your self-esteem. One of these defects may have possibly existed within them but you were too smitten with lust to sense the danger. Let’s review here.

Control Freak Maybe? They made all the decisions without your input and you twisted it to perceive it as strong leadership. Uh uh, you were wrong. How can you be happy in an environment where you have no say so on the flow of the relationship?

Abuser Hmmm? You were always feeling emotionally drained or physically overwhelmed and you couldn’t figure it out. Or they were overly critical of everything you did and you never quite did things correctly in their eyes. Yep that’s abusive behavior!

Jealous & Sneaky? You thought being in the house all day everyday was romantic and you couldn’t go to the store without him. Aww you thought it was cute he wanted to drive you everywhere and was being helpful. Now do you see that was a trick to keep you dependent on them? That was not normal, sorry.

Serial Cheater? Hmmm those paychecks never quite matched the hours of “overtime” they claimed to work. And all those gifts that would pop up out the blue right on time when you felt that tingling in the pit of your stomach. Yeah that’s what guilt will get you sometimes, a closet full of bags you don’t need.

Too Good To Be True? Always so sweet and agreeable and nothing was ever wrong…until she suddenly left you! Check for signs of Drug Abuse, Secret Lifestyle, or a Hidden Family. Most importantly CHECK YOUR CREDIT! Sounds fishy to me.

REFLECTION #2 - COME TO TERMS Did you really think you’d be with them long term? If you think about it you probably knew that they’d be an ex. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself. If you answer yes to any of them you may have been holding on and waiting for them to end it anyway just so you wouldn’t have to do it yourself.

Did I take care of everything necessary for my wellbeing all by myself anyway?

Was I the one always left to figure out a resolution to our problems?

Did they sit back and let me do everything while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off?

Did their financial contributions to the household and entertainment dwindle consistently?

Did I spend more time focusing on them than they did on me? 

REFLECTION #3 – FREE YOURSELF Now that you’ve thought deeper than just “Woe is me I’m all alone” don’t you see a little more clearly that this relationship you lived and breathed for actually only allowed you to do so in shallow breaths? You were the PRIZE in this thing and it’s time to recognize your worth and set your heart, mind, and conscious free. You cannot go on holding on to someone who clearly didn’t appreciate you.

Just remember, the ex who up and walked out on you will invariably return hoping to find you in a state of disarray and dysfunction. Is this really how you want to be perceived? Sometimes it's all about the power you have given them and their total awareness of that fact. Let no one hold such power over your existence. Besides, think of all the time, money, and energy you can now put into upgrading your solo existence.

AN EX IS AN EX IS AN EX!

Stay tuned for DAY 3 OF THE X CHRONICLES

The X Chronicles- DAY 1



CHRONICLES

It’s Monday and what better way to start off the week with a cute call from your ex?! In memory of their poor souls I’m going to dedicate five straight days to a throwback of the exes. Simply to honor the lost or discarded love/like/indifference between two consenting parties who really thought they were on to something that fizzled and died. I will cover a range of topics to soothe those who are still mourning their loss and entertain those who are giddy with freedom. Keep Reading!

x CHRONICLES…DAY 1 “Funny One-Liners Courtesy of an Ex”

Hey do you need anything? Isn’t this the silliest thing you could ever hear from an ex? The audacity to ask me what I need now that the ride has stopped. P-LEASE! I needed time! I needed you to listen and take me seriously! I needed some damn money on this light bill!

Why did you leave me? Now this is a tricky one. Be careful and gauge the tone of voice in which this question is posed. This could be some bait for a renewed anger toward you, or it could generally be a question by a person who finally realizes they messed up. Either way RUN!!

What made you think I cheated on you? Hmmm let’s see, how about you having to leave the room to take mysterious phone calls. Oh! I know, what about the mysterious ailments your mama had that kept you sleeping at her house a few nights every week. But I saw her in the store and she looked fine. And how about the women calling my phone and hanging up? Oh you didn’t even hear my phone ring? Keep it pushin’!

What chick? / What dude? This question pops up when your break-up was centered on the presence of a single person who mysteriously entered your relationship and took up more time than you should’ve allowed. More than likely the ex will return and when they spark up this conversation pretending you’re an idiot and ask “What chick” or “What dude”, please don’t strike them. Just close your eyes and remember how much peace you have now that you don’t have to deal with their mess anymore.

You don’t miss me? Sigh….people have a funny way of thinking you cannot move forward in your life without them. I’m not saying at some point you didn’t go through a phase where you’re looking for them to call or stop by, but that actually doesn’t last for too long. Don’t even answer this question, even if they do cross your mind every once in a while. We all get the willies and that feeling of the hairs standing up on the back of our necks from time to time.

Can you send me one last pic of yourself? It is needless for me to tell you not to do this but I’m going to say it anyway, DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! For some of you it may seem cute like "Aww he/she misses me" but let me help you regain your senses. First, if they're really an ex they already have your pics. Second, they're only attempting to spark an emotional reaction. Lastly, think of all the body fluids that may corrupt your flick! YUCK! Remember that we live in an age of technology and your image is sacred and can be used against you in attempts to sabotage any new flames you just lit.

Final Dumb Ex Question for Day One of the X CHRONICLES…

Can I make love to you one last time? LISTEN TO ME! I don’t care if you’ve been in a drought! I don’t care if your ex is the greatest lover of all time! DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR GOODS! This few moments of lust will set you back physically (he may have an STD by now), emotionally (do you really want to be hearing ghost rings from her), and financially (the amount of drinks you’ll have to purchase or shopping you’ll have to perform to get over this stupidity is too expensive for your now one income lifestyle).

‘DEM EXES THOUGH!

Stay tuned for DAY 2 OF THE  x  CHRONICLES