The Need -vs- The Want
The need versus the want is something I try to balance in my
head to stay focused on many, many things to keep them in perspective. My
theory works in most areas of our lives but I’m going to put some light on the Needed Relationship versus the Wanted Relationship.
Most relationships begin with a genuine attraction. While
attraction for every human being is somewhat varied in criteria for the most
part it starts off a little superficial. Whether your standard warrants the
other person to look a certain way, maintain a certain lifestyle, or have
specific characteristics it all starts with a hope that things will work out
for the best. However! Sometimes we can let these so-called standards turn into
excuses for why we tolerate an intolerable relationship. Hear me out!
Have you ever had a man say “I need you baby. You know I
can’t make it without you!” I’m sure we’ve all heard this type of bullcrap from
some man we allowed to take up space and breathe our air. When you first hear
him utter this tomfoolery you think “Awww he’s so sweet”. Did you ever think
about what he really means when he says this to you? He’s telling you that you
are giving him something he cannot go without to get through his life. That’s
some deep shit! Do you really want all that responsibility for someone else
life? And what the heck are you giving him that he can’t do without? Is it
money, sex, transportation, meals, all your emotion? It may be time to figure
out why he’s around. Especially if you’re at the point where you are now
emotionally burnt, broke, or just plain tired because you have nothing left to
give after fulfilling all his needs. The woman who only supplies the ‘need’ is
placing herself at a disadvantage. Based upon our instinct to be nurturers we strive
to make everyone feel good and support everyone in their endeavors. The problem
is we don’t usually take time to notice if our state of mind is in check during
our superwoman acts. And you usually don’t realize you’re too far gone until
you start actually feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated and the sense of wilting
on the inside. Congratulations, You have now become a Certified Need Provider in
your relationship and sorry but it’s inevitable that you will seek outside self-reassurance
due to that lack of support. Believe it or not the source of relief isn’t always
likely to be in the form of an affair. For us women this is usually the last
option-because we’re not naturally as screwed up in our judgment as men-but we
do have other vices that make us feel fulfilled when we think we’re not getting
what we need from our mate. Activities like shopping, gambling, and drinking
are actually more tempting to most of us than sex with another crazy man! It
would be your luck to have an affair to seek relief from your emotional black
hole but end up with Psycho Stalker Sam. Ladies, Psycho Stalker Sam can’t handle
all that passion you built up while you were withholding your cooch from the
boyfriend because you were so-called ‘punishing him’. Think about that
shit!!! As much as they talk, most men
can’t really handle all we are capable of giving. Especially the creepy stalker
guy who comes in a very nice package tied up with a bow! Wait until he
texts-calls-sends flower-and shows up at your job!!! Wooh! What did you do that
man!? On the twisted side of the feminine rainbow - isn’t it nice to know how
much power we have? You just have to know how to wield it carefully, but that’s
an entirely different blog topic altogether (look out for that one).
So what about the want of it all? Doesn’t this just sound
better coming from the penis...“I want you baby. You mean everything to me!” This
man is saying he has real desire for you. He realizes you provide him with
support and he doesn’t want to make any moves without you. A man who is
confident enough to utter words like this is already aware of how important
your presence is to his existence. Let’s keep it real, all men are very needy
in their own way. The difference is the man who expects and the man who accepts
your help and guidance. It’s simply my opinion that we should be working to
fulfill the man instead of sustaining the man. The sustained man expects you to
do things for him because he gives nothing in return and you reaffirm his
idiocy when you keep giving to him and never demand anything from him. On the
other hand the fulfilled man accepts your input toward what he should do and
how he should do it because he trusts you and respects what you bring to the
table. Usually this is the man who truly wants to build something with you. When
you fulfill someone it automatically creates a give and take situation, which
I’ll refer to as a balance.
Even though there are some men who claim they like to be ‘da
man’ and run shit they eventually look toward their woman for help in one of
the key areas (finance, romance, emotions, business, intimacy etc..). If you
have fallen into the trap of being the damsel in distress and the time comes
when your man needs you to play your role as partner in one of these key areas
you will not be able to do so because you’ve lost site of the balance. So what
is the balance you ask?
Balance
Webster's Definition (noun): A stable mental or psychological state; A harmonious or satisfying arrangement or proportion of parts or elements, as in a design.
Miss Scarlet's Definition (verb): The conscious co-mingling of two people's finances, lifestyles, emotions, shortcomings, and strengths. See below examples of good balance according to Miss Scarlet.
#1.
Trust him! Do not believe for one minute that because
you call him ten times a day while you’re apart that he can’t use his
penis. Just stop it! If it’s that bad then maybe you shouldn’t be with him or
maybe he shouldn’t be with you (ah hah).
#2. Let him
go! For pete’s sake ladies, if you have a good man don’t be
afraid to let him breathe. If you can’t let him go out with the fellows every
now and again he’ll begin to feel smothered and eventually he will look for an
escape.
#3. Be
Secure! Have confidence that you are treating him right and he’ll
treat you right in return. Your attitude is everything and determines what your
man really thinks about you. If you don’t respect yourself how do you expect
him to follow suit?
#4. Mine,
Yours, and Ours! This goes for everything, yes everything. Money,
Friends, Getaways! No I haven’t lost my mind. Pay bills together but keep a
stash for yourself. When his friends come over remember you are not one of the
boys! Say hey, put the snacks out and take your behind upstairs. Finally, a
little absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and nobody wants to take
sand to the beach all the time. Contrary to popular belief we are sort of worse
on vacation than men…I’m just sayin! Don’t be afraid to let him go away with
friends. Believe me he can do the same thing out of town that he can do in
town.
#5. This is
the most important: All these examples go both ways!! Make no
mistake that he needs to also Trust you, Let you go, Make you feel secure, and
Share!! For this to work you have to set that tone from the beginning through
your own self respect.
If you read the definition above and you can’t even relate to
any of it within your current relationship, or your relationship is total
opposite from the examples listed you’re probably sustaining your man. If you
have a grown man who started out as your mate but has become as your dependent
child because he’s relying on you for his way of life, you are definitely
entangled in one of those needed
relationships. This man probably has no goals or self determination and you
already know it but you resolve to hold on to those bullshit standards that drew
you to him in the first place. I can hear you now, “he cooks”, “he’s great in
bed”, “he cleans the house”, “he babysits our kids so I can go to work”. Of
course he cooks! You bought all the food he likes and he doesn’t have any money
to buy take-out. He has to be great in bed because he’s probably cheating on
you so he’s had time to hone his skills so you don’t know he was with another
woman a few hours earlier. If he cleans up his mess that’s what he’s supposed
to do! And oh my goodness aren’t those his kids too! You cannot babysit your
own kids because it’s called parenting. Ladies our problem is we give it (It =
sex, trust, love, quality) up too quick and when we realize he’s not who he
says he is it’s now too late because we’ve already invested something in him. And
oh boy when we think we’ve paid into a man we are relentless to get something
out of it. Listen to me! You cannot squeeze milk from dried up boobs or blood
from a turnip-whichever phrase you prefer. It’s never too late to rid yourself
of the appendage – scrape it off before it turns you into a pod of your former
fabulous self. All men are not worthy of the balance and you can usually tell
that right away if you stay true to yourself at the onset of the relationship.
Some change and growth when assuming partnership is good, but if you find
yourself doing things that impact you negatively from the jump then it’s not worth
the time you need to spend finding the balance within that particular union.
“On to the next!”
Yes I admit I’m being tough on you all who have fallen victim
to need based relationships. But only because I want you to know you don’t have
to stay a victim. You are worthy of a partner who wants you for the input you
have to offer that will compliment his overall success and vice-versa. Ladies
and Queens I wish for you to gain the self-esteem and confidence to desire to
be WANTED and not NEEDED. Name your worth and never negotiate your price! If
you need something to share your bed, rely on you for meals and lick you….get a
dog.
‘Til next time thanks for reading!
